Have you ever had a feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was not right quite right about a behavior or situation you are in with your guy? You are not alone. So many of us have been there. Your feelings could be alerting you of red flags, signs you should pause, and consider your next steps in your relationship. I took some time to pull from common wisdom and my own experiences. I came up with this list to help you on your journey.
1. How does he treat his mom?
The old adage about how a man treats his mother is very true. Over and over I have watched men treat their significant other’s the way they treat their mothers. So if you watch him interact with his mom, or other strong female influence in his life, and he shows them contempt, is dismissive and treats them badly, you can expect that when all the feelings fade, this is your destiny as well. Also, how a man treats people in the world who are easily overlooked is indicative of his true character.
2. Does he listen to your no?
Relationships necessitate boundaries, respect of boundaries indicate respect for you. I am a huge proponent of no sex before monogamy. Why? For one thing, you learn a lot about a person when you say no to them. How does he respond? Does he demand his way? Does he push you? If he does not respect you now, he is showing you that he will not respect you period. The strongest relationships are built on mutual love and respect. Remember, you are setting a precedent. What you tolerate will continue, it will be how your relationship is. Respect yourself enough to stand your ground. There are plenty of men out there who would love to be in a relationship with an awesome, gorgeous beauty like you. Don’t waste your time on guys who are only interested in using you.
3. Can he hold down a job?
The ability to hold down a job says that a man is mature and can stand on his own two feet. Sure, you’re that strong woman who can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. However, you want an equal partner, a man who has given thought to what he is good at, and what kind of difference he wants to make in the world. He does that in large part through his work, for close to ⅓ of the hours in his week if not more. If he has a hard time holding down this job, how dependable will he be in your relationship? What are the character flaws at play and is he willing to admit them? You are his love, not his mom. Unless he has a sustained period of time of having this issue settled, move on to someone who does. It will save you future heartache.
4. Is it always about him?
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be in a relationship. The grass is greener, the sun shines more brightly. There is a spring in your step. This is a delightful thing, it can also be a blinding thing. Blinding you to someone who always makes life about them. They want what they want, when they want it. The relationship revolves around what he thinks and feels. You want a man who will stop and take notice of you. Someone who will value you and your feelings even when it is inconvenient for him, and when he doesn’t fully understand you. It is comforting and strengthening to be with a man who will get outside himself and feels empathy. There is nothing like the feeling of being deeply loved and understood. It is worth the wait.
5. Is he in active addiction, or does he have a short time in sobriety?
We like to joke about things we are “addicted to”. However, true addiction is no laughing matter. Excessive Alcohol, illegal drugs, and pornography (check out fightthenewdrug.org) will not only destroy him in the end, but it will destroy your relationship. No matter what the addiction is, a person’s moods and personality are altered by the dependency. Addicts tend to use things and people for good feelings. Relationships can trigger a relapse for someone who has a short time in sobriety. They need time to get to know themselves without chemicals flowing through them (even love chemicals 😉 Give him time to recover, if it is meant to be, you will still be able to be together after he has significant time sober.
6. Have you ever said about him, “If I could just change…”
This is such an innocent statement. Such a well meaning statement. A statement said by so many women who lived to regret it. Yes, I’m getting in your business, because I care. What you are seeing and experiencing with this man, is what you get. The power of the first love feelings can make you feel like you can take over the world. Think about this for a minute. Have you ever started out on a journey to change yourself? What was that like. Was it super easy, or was it kinda difficult. If you have a hard time changing yourself. Imagine what it is like trying to change another. If you cannot live with his behavior and actions as he is, it is best you find a man who you do not feel like you have to change.
No one wants to invest their life, time, heart, body, mind or money only to see it stolen, wasted and thrown away like yesterday’s trash. I want to empower curvy women in confidence, and help them find authentic relationships with men who are just as invested in the relationship as they are. If this resonates with you and you are ready to take the next step toward an authentic relationship with a man you love, come work with me at DaisyBurgan.com .